The Wall Around Your Heart
We’re all born totally dependent. As we grow, people who love us help us learn how to walk, talk, feed ourselves, tie our shoelaces, and many other things. We have no choice but to be vulnerable because we can’t do anything for ourselves. Eventually, we grow up enough to have a choice.
At some point in our lives, we become self-conscious about how others see us and we start building walls around our hearts to keep them from being hurt. We dress and act to conform to others’ idea of what we should look like and how we should behave in order to be ‘acceptable’ to the group. We play make-believe and hope no one notices what a fraud we are. If we do this long enough, we often can’t figure out how to escape the fraud we think we have become.
Every time we open ourselves up, we are vulnerable, and once we learn that others can use our vulnerabilities against us—in a frenzy to be liked, accepted, or just not to be hurt and humiliated—we build that wall a little higher. The wall is what we let most people see. The heart is reserved for the special few, and even they don’t always get to see it all.
Now is the time to deconstruct that wall. Whatever your age—whether you’re sixteen or sixty—now is the best time to find your truths and own yourself. When you start to find your true self again, the one you were before you started to build your wall, you give yourself the possibility of embracing yourself, loving yourself, and sharing the gift of you with the world.
I want to share with you a part of myself I thought was lost. I wrote this in high school when I was fourteen or fifteen. Somewhere along the road of life, it disappeared. On visits home when I was grown, I’d hunt for it in the attic in papers I’d left behind and in books I’d abandoned long ago. I’d remembered the feeling of it but not the words. As we were cleaning out the house after my father died, I found it in his papers. I love him for that gift.
This is how our walls gets started. Wear a tie. Draw something else. Be someone else. The message we receive is “You’re not good enough just as you are”, or “If you want to be accepted, you have to be like everyone else”. But I don’t believe that and I hope you don’t either. You are enough. Being your own unique, quirky self has so many rewards. The world needs all the good things we each have to offer in order to be whole.
I want you to feel alive inside. I want your gifts to be acknowledged and shared. I want you to discover who you were meant to be. I truly believe we each have been given unique gifts and that these gifts, when sent out into the world, can change it for the better. Let’s tear down that wall you’ve built around your heart. Here, we can be real and be appreciated for it. You don’t have to shine your light all at once. Just let a little bit shine out and see how it feels. Then, let’s walk a while and talk about it.
Is there something you love doing that you stopped doing because of what others might think of you? How high is your wall? Try to recall what caused you to start building it and share it with us!
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Carol, that was beautiful and has given me a lot to ponder. All of what you say (and I take this quote from my oldest daughter) “I know”…but the thought of taking down that wall and exposing my self is pretty frightening! Do you think it would be alright to leave up half the wall…You know…a bit just of my self for my self?
There’s always room to keep some for yourself. If the wall is low enough, you can still let someone see it if you want! And everyone won’t always see what’s there, it’s just about allowing yourself to be enough just as you are. You don’t have to hide or pretend. Thanks, Grace!
A little something else to share with your daughter: it’s not necessary to tell everyone everything about you. It’s about being vulnerable sometimes, being totally honest sometimes, and not pretending to like things you don’t like or do things you really don’t want to do just so you can feel accepted. I remember when I first tried makeup. I didn’t like it and I wasn’t good at doing it, and I thought it was a waste of time. I remember thinking that guys don’t have to wear makeup to be acceptable, so why should I. 40+ years later, I still don’t!
This make-up thing…..it’s funny how we all feel so differently about the stuff. I fell in love with make-up as a teen because it was a way to cover up the facial flaws! I was very self-conscious about my blotchy skin and make-up felt like a face-saving (pardon the pun) cure to me. I envied every single classmate who had flawless skin! I still love experimenting with make-up but instead of covering up pimples, I’m trying (in vain) to cover up wrinkles! :>)
Ginny, That’s awesome! That’s the thing about it though. We each have our own way that we feel comfortable with and both ways are ok, just different! I love that we can be different and accepting. I’ll tell you though, you’re a beautiful person with or without! Thanks for sharing!
This is beautiful Carol. You are a wonderful person and a great friend. I feel I can talk to you about anything and that makes me so happy with all the turmoil going on around us. Can’t wait to read your book, I know it is going to be great. I love you sugar and love your web page, keep up the good work.
Oh, Lynn! You are one of my biggest cheerleaders and I love you for that! It’s so wonderful to have a friend like you. We can talk about anything – and end up laughing. I’ll get that manuscript to you as soon as I can, I really want you to read it before it goes out! Thanks, and happy to have you aboard!
FYI: the poem was written around 1971. I was 14. I used to think it was a kid thing, but I’ve seen it many times with adults, mainly between spouses or workers and bosses. It’s sad to see the sparkle go out of someone’s eyes.
That is a very sad thing to watch, especially if it’s your own image in the mirror you see. Watching that sparkle leave your own eyes is heart breaking. But watching as that sparkle returns, little by little, day by day, is a beautiful thing. I am looking forward to this journey with you and your other followers. We may not ‘see’ each other’s sparkle return, but I believe we’ll be able feel it through our communications.
Lou,
We all deserve to shine! Your sparkle is in there. Keep on this path and one day you’ll look in the mirror and realize that it’s you! The ‘you’ you always hoped you could be. The you that you were born to be! And you’ll be sparkling all over the place!
What a wonderful idea to create this kind of a place to share, vent, rejoice, learn, etc. Reading what you wrote as a young girl is inspiring. What insight you had (and still have) as a person, Carol. I am going to love visiting this site!
I’m so glad to hear that! I’m so hoping this can be a place where we can be free to be who we are and accept each other and enjoy each others company!
Well, I’m not sure but, I may have denied myself a career as a sub-par actor.
And the Oscar goes to…
Well, well, well Carol Horton. I love this website and I look forward to seeing your blogs and what you write! Everything you wrote is thought provoking and makes me think about my own life. I have definitely shut myself off from so many friends and activities I used to do. Why? Many reasons. Age, life changes, bad knees, deaths of family members, losing a zest for life and laughter I used to have. Do I know better? Yes. I am a strong individual and tell myself all the time to get up off that couch, call somebody, have dinner out with friends, do that activity I miss doing, volunteer, get busy living life to the fullest again. Thank you for your writings and thoughts. I look forward to what you have to say. You have definitely awakened my mind, soul and spirit. I just need to keep waking up and stop being so complacent and lifeless. Oh and by the way, what a poem you wrote at 14 years of age!! Thank you again Carol Horton. I am joining your website today!
Thanks so much Susan. I’m glad you enjoyed this piece and I hope I can continue to give you something to think about. Don’t be so hard on yourself though. It took me a few years after my parents died to start feeling like doing anything, and I’m still not quite there yet. You’ll get out again when the time is right, I’m sure! Thanks for the compliment and thanks for adding the special person that you are to the conversation!
I love this Carol. It’s simply beautiful. It is so touching that your father kept it along his things – because it was meaningful to him as well! I feel a crack starting to form in my wall ❤️.
Thanks, Nancy! I appreciate that. I was also touched that he kept it all these years and I wish he was here to see me put it to good use. Nurture that crack in your wall…good things are coming!
I love this! Here’s how big my wall is… I wrote a reply a few minutes ago and then deleted it all in fear that my family would see it and confront me. You definitely inspire me to work on it! For others reading.. something I found that helps immensely is mindfulness training. If only I could stay on track with my practice of it! It’s much like working out at the gym.. but for your brain. When I was doing it daily I saw that wall break down and I could be myself. If others shamed me for anything, I was mentally able to defend myself in a way that didn’t hurt them or me. Thanks Carol for inspiring me to practice it right now.
Michele, wow! Being able to see your wall and know it for what it is is big! That’s half the battle. Keep on practicing your mindfulness training, it’s one of the best gifts you can give yourself. The only time shame is useful is in helping to change your behavior if you’ve done something truly shameful, not to turn you into someone that others want you to be. I’m looking forward to having you with us on this journey!
Hi Michele, I’ve read a lot about mindfulness in the past and felt that maybe it could do me some good. I just haven’t “gotten around to it”. I think I’ll look back into it again and give it a try. And what you said about writing something and then deleting it for fear of being confronted? I have lived with fear like that for decades. It’s just been in the past 5 years that I have been SLOWLY been learning to let things go. There is a quote from Brian Andreas, the artist that does Story People, that has helped me with that. “She left pieces of her life behind her everywhere she went. It’s easier to feel the sunlight without them, she said.”
Carol, Thanks for sharing your blog and inviting me. I love what I’ve read and look forward to more to come. I’d say my wall was built mainly due to my personality. Luckily I don’t try to fit in, don’t get me wrong I know when I need to be cordial and professional, but to seek the approval of others – nah! To me the wall is more of if you think of me one way and it’s not really me, I won’t waste my time trying to let you really see who I am.
Erica, That’s great! I’m that way too. My concern is more about if I approve of me. I’m glad to see you’re not in the trap of letting other people’s opinions run your life. I’m glad you like what you read so far, and I look forward to sharing this journey with you!
Thank you for sharing Carol! You have always been an inspiration.
Thanks for coming along for the ride, Rachel. I’ve always enjoyed your company!
I like my wall. It’s very comforting 🙂 That was very nice, I really enjoyed reading it!
Fey, I’m thrilled you enjoyed the read. Being aware that you have a wall in itself is enough for you to decide if you want to let it down occasionally. I’m glad you came by-it means a lot to me!