Midnight Ramblings
As I walked into my office this evening, I was greeted by this picture on the desktop of my computer.
I took this picture standing in the middle of Walnut Street, the street I grew up on.
I was lucky enough to call this place home.
I was thinking about a girl I knew who died unexpectedly when I was in high school. I was thinking about the effect her death had on my life.
It was such a tragedy. She died in a car accident. A particularly horrific accident.
I felt so bad for her family who loved her and had to go on without her.
I wonder, even today, how they would feel knowing that there are people who still think about her.
~~~
My sister Elizabeth never came home from the hospital. She was full term, but stillborn.
With all the advancements in medicine over the last sixty years, had she been born today, she probably would have survived.
She would have been sixty-one and a half now had she lived.
She would have lent a totally new dynamic to our family.
I often imagine what kind of person she would have been and wonder how the rest of us would be different had she lived.
Who would she have shared a room with?
Who would she have been closest to?
Who would she look like?
I know for sure she would have been loved.
~~~
I’m one of those people who needs a lot of solitude to mull things over.
Life and death.
The decisions I’ve made.
Things I did well and things I wish I’d done better.
How fortunate I am to have been born in such a time and place as I was.
To have grown up in a community of people who cherished each other and their friendships.
How much all this makes me appreciate the wonderful people I have in my life.
~~~
Like my mother, I am a night owl.
I cherish the time I spend in my office after the sleepy town I live near has gone to bed.
The trucks across the road have long since stopped hauling logs for the day.
My husband is sleeping down the hall and I can just hear him breathing soft and steady.
This is my time.
This is when I spill all the things that are on my mind out onto paper and try to make sense of them.
Writing helps me clarify how I feel.
What things mean.
What my purpose is here on this planet.
~~~
Some nights I make progress. Some nights look like I’ve done nothing at all.
Some nights I make a connection and scramble to get it down on paper before I forget.
But almost always, there is a peacefulness to it that soothes my soul.
~~~
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Well, I know how my life would have been different if Elizabeth had lived – I wouldn’t have been born! I’m sorry Mom & Dad, and you older siblings, had to go through the tragedy and pain of losing her, but I personally wouldn’t vote for a do-over! 🙂
I always think of her along with the six of us. Lou would actually be the middle child. You and Marcie would have another sibling close in age. I think about weird things… No do-over. We’ll all be together someday! ❤
Carol, you will see you little sister when you crossover into glory. Your late night quiet times are a great time to just have a conversation with God.
Oh, Jim, you are so right! And what a wonderful day it will be!
I actually do spend quite a bit of my day talking with my Father. I tell Him everything. I ask for His strength when I fall short (yet again). I thank Him for His love and for always being here and I tell Him that I love Him. I ask Him to make sure all my loved ones there know how much I love them. I am thankful for my life and my family and all the good things He made for us.
I see His hand everywhere: in the trees, in the flowers, in the sky, and especially in my children and grandchildren. ❤
I saw that picture, and knew exactly where you were standing. I was in our town in July, for my class reunion, and to help clear out my family home. I went for a walk down Linden – to Walnut. I stood at the corner, remembering the many walks to your family home. I miss the many fireside chats… and the safe place to come and sip a cup of Constant Comment and Earl Grey tea blend with Mom. Thanks for sharing your memories of Elizabeth, which was my given middle name. And Pablo – I’m glad you’re here, too!
That’s something I miss, too. Hanging with family and friends in the kitchen in front of the fire, sipping tea. I still drink Earl Gray with honey and it always takes me back to the kitchen and the many evenings we had a cup and sat by the fire. ❤
My friend, what a lovely street you grew up on! It looks very similar to the South Main St. I grew up on except different styles of housing but much the same. I didn’t know you had lost a sister but like Jim said, you two will be reunited in heaven one day and won’t that be glorious day of reunion not only with Elizabeth but all in your life who have gone on ahead of you including your friend who was killed in an automobile accident. I understand your sleepless nights. On those nights, my mind like yours goes through a series of events, people, thoughts, worries but also peace. There is something about the stillness and quietness of the night that brings on such peace even in angst. I hope your Thanksgiving was great. I saw your pictures and it looks like a great time had by all. I love you my friend. As always, thank you for sharing your thoughts, wisdom and beautiful writing with us. You are just fabulous my friend and I always look forward to your thoughts.
Thank you Susan. You’re always so kind.
I find it so interesting that we lived such parallel lives over a thousand miles away from each other. We need to sit and talk about that one day. Surely, it would be a very interesting conversation!
We did have a good Thanksgiving as I hope you did as well.
Thanks for reading and commenting. I always love hearing what you have to say!
Love you…c ❤
I don’t think I have ever met you. I am friends with your sister Lou. You and I believe and think a lot alike. Sometimes it scares me. Except for one thing, I am a morning person! I enjoy your writing so much and I love your sister Lou.
Denise, I don’t think we’ve met either, but I know that Lou loves you dearly and that tells me what an awesome person you are! The fact that you love her too makes it even sweeter!
I always love finding people who think like I do. It cuts way down on the explaining. Don’t let it scare you-I’m really quite harmless.
If we ever got together, it would have to be in the afternoon! Morning’s too early for me and night time is too late for you!
Thanks for reading and I’m glad you enjoy it! Love…c ❤
I too think about friends and family gathered by the fireplace in the kitchen. I miss those times so much. But then I remember the couple who bought the house. They love that place like we did. When we all got together a few years back they were so gracious letting us come visit home. I was so happy to see that they had a child and would be raising their family there. That makes me not so sad when I miss home.
I am happy about the family living there now. I love that they’re making their own memories in that house.
What I really miss is all of us–both family and friends–being alive and weaving ourselves in and out of each other’s lives.
I miss the intimacy of sitting together by the fire in the dark with no defenses. I miss the honesty and trust. I miss having people near me who I can sit with in the quiet shadows of a fire and no words need to be spoken because out hearts are speaking to each other.
I miss having siblings to prepare meals with, shucking corn on the back steps, and trying to sneak a finger full of cookie dough while Sue is baking.
I miss the creak in the second step after the landing on my way up the stairs. I miss having supper on the picnic table in the summer. I miss coffee in the morning on the front porch.
I wonder why it is that what we know first is what we love best?
Maybe because never again in our lives will we see our world with the innocence of our youth? It is the standard that we set our future sights on, what we will forever compare our lives with, if that makes sense.