Fitting into Your Own Skin
When I saw this picture a few weeks ago, I noticed that my older sister and my younger sister both had their hats on. That’s me in the middle with a tissue bobby pinned to my head.
Back then, we had to wear head coverings in church. Notice, though, I’m still smiling.
As a child I was unconcerned with acceptability. I still am. I attended many masses in my youth with a Kleenex bobby pinned to my head. I’ve never been accused of being fashionable. That’s just not something that has ever interested me.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend. He said his daughter was overly concerned with fitting in.
I said something to the effect of the only fitting in we need to be concerned with is fitting into our own skin.
While I truly believe that, I also realize that the way we often find ourselves in our youth, is by trying on different personas and discarding the parts that don’t feel true.
In order for that shedding of the untrue to happen, it often takes a major break in trust between ourselves and those we’re trying to fit in with: we find out they’re using us in some way, that they included us to be their comic relief, or that we’re just not willing to be the person they insist we be to stay in their good graces.
Here’s a list of things I’m not willing to do to be your friend. If you know someone who is trying hard to fit in somewhere, making their own list might be a good idea. Over time, it can be revisited or revised or just be a good guide to choosing friends.
In order to be your friend, I’m not willing to:
- wear makeup
- dress up all the time
- make fun of other people
- adopt your prejudices
- participate in EVERYTHING you want to do
- let you do my thinking for me
- be a “yes man”
- like only who you like
- commit a crime
- ditch my other friends or family
- be ashamed of who I am or where I come from
That’s good for starters.
You’re never too young or too old to think about what you would or would not be willing to do to fit in. First, you need to ask yourself why you feel the need to fit in and just how much effort you’re willing to put into it.
Then, I suggest you look at what would happen if you took that effort and put it into personal growth. See if you can find something you enjoy that helps you to understand yourself or that just makes you happy.
Reading personal growth books (they were called “self help” books in my day) can go a long way toward helping you understand who you are and what you believe. Taking up a new hobby like skiing or knitting or even painting can supply you with years of fun and grow your confidence in yourself as you learn and improve.
I’ve spent my whole adult life reading personal growth books. I believe that if I can find just one gem in a book, it was worth reading. For instance, I read Anthony Robbins’ Awaken the Giant Within many years ago. The one take-away I still remember is that most people do things to avoid something they don’t like (pain) rather than to gain something they do like (pleasure). Are you wanting to fit in to avoid feeling left out or because you really like these people?
Next time you make a decision, look closely to see if you’re heading towards something you like, or avoiding something kind of crappy.
Let’s try this on:
In trying to be my own friend, I’m not willing to:
- waste my time trying to be someone else
- ditch my good friends or family for a chance to fit in with the “popular” crowd
- believe I have nothing to contribute
- act in a mean-spirited way toward people who may have been mean to me
- not chase my dreams
You get my drift…
I’d love to hear what you would put on your list!
P.S. Those are my sister’s bare feet at her graduation. Go Lou!
Please pass this on to anyone you feel would enjoy it.
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I spent a lot of my youth not fitting in. I was lucky to have a brother who included me, and an active family – so I never really felt alone. I don’t think I knew what was needed to fit in, but I’m pretty sure I would have tried it if I could have figured it out. That, as captain Hook famously said, is where the canker gnaws! I didn’t fit in. I was fortunate enough to meet my HS best friend in ninth grade – finally someone who was my kind of person. Someone I didn’t have to try with – I could just be me and hey – she liked me anyway!!
When I worked in the corporate world in Atlanta I did a lot to fit in. I wore suits and high heels and painted my fingernails. These are things I never would have done if I hadn’t felt the cultural pressure of that place. It was expected, and I followed the rules.
After I moved back to my hometown, back to my roots, I gradually returned to my old self – the self who wore jeans and peasant blouses, didn’t wear makeup and was always in need of a manicure. I’m growing my grey hair long again, and I don’t care what anybody thinks about it. One of my favorite lines from the old movie “The Family Stone” is delivered by Luke Wilson (who my daughter likes to refer to as Owen Wilson’s younger, better looking and more talented brother 😂) – “You have your freak flag, you just don’t fly it!” True dat! But I’m working on it!
PS Carol, I love the Kleenex on the head thing. I remember Priscilla, who I’m certain is a kindred spirit of yours, wearing Kleenex or doilies to church quite often. She couldn’t have cared less about fitting in, still doesn’t, and everybody loves her anyway 😊.
Nancy,
I’m always surprised when I find out that people I never suspected of having fitting in issues, did. This makes me wonder if anyone ever feels like they fit in when they’re young. I don’t remember having a feeling of not fitting in with my family or the Walnut Street-ers, but outside of that, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere until I had my own family. Some people (especially these days) feel this almost compulsive need to fit in. Do the popular kids at school feel like they fit in, or is it all a charade? (That would be a fun research project!)
I’m ok with being the goofball that I am, and I’ve always found friends wherever I’ve been, so no complaints. Kleenex bobby pinned to my head and all. I didn’t know that Priscilla was a member of the bobby pin club! I never could keep up with my chapel veil. It wasn’t that important to me.
I’m also a big fan of Priscilla, and I’d love nothing more than to spend an evening sitting around a fire with you and Priscilla talking and reminiscing and discussing whatever comes up.
We could all fly our freak flags!
Great question- do the popular kids feel like they fit in? I agree about never having that feeling, of not fitting in, until I left the comfort zone of Walnut Street.
We definitely would have a blast sitting around a campfire with Priscilla! When she and I get together we could talk all day and into the night. It’s a relationship I am so grateful for. Going on 59 years! OK, now I’m starting to feel old! LOL!
The whole sitting around a campfire with you and Priscilla is going on my bucket list!
59 years strong…what a beautiful friendship.
We’re not old, we’re experienced. I love that my grandkids are as fascinated with my experience of black and white tv, 3 channels, no cell phones or video games, etc… as I was about my grandfather and his parents and siblings crossing from Pennsylvania to North Dakota in a covered wagon over the course of several years.
Life is good!
I think my list would be more like what I would do rather than wouldn’t do. I love to make people smile, give them a bit of a laugh, brighten their day. But there are times I don’t take advantage of a perfect opportunity. This is a story about seeing a perfect opportunity and jumping in feet first.
I was sitting at the Georgia DMV (with a hundred or so other people), waiting to register my car. I had been there for a couple hours biding my time by people watching. The majority of people there seemed tired and sick of waiting. Hardly anyone spoke to each other, except for an occasional comment about how long it was taking.
My perfect opportunity presented itself when the woman called my number over the loud speaker. “B 324, B 324”, I jumped up out of my chair and yelled “BINGO!” Everyone started laughing, I loved it.
I went up to the window to find the clerk smiling ear to ear. After I finished taking care of what I needed to I turned to leave. The room was abuzz with people chatting with each other, smiling, and seemingly a bit more relaxed. The whole feel of the room had changed.
I hadn’t shied away from my inclination and it paid off big time. Because I did that crazy thing that felt right, there were a lot of folks who suddenly were having a better day. And that made my day! It’s good to identify those things we wouldn’t do. But we also need to identify those things that we shouldn’t shy away from, those things that are such a part of who we are, a part of our skin we are trying so hard to fit into.
Lou,
(For those of you who don’t know yet, this Lou is my sister and the barefooted graduate in the picture above. She was in her 50’s when she graduated from the University of Memphis with an Art degree!) I also love those kind of moments where you can be yourself and make people feel better. I think that when someone has the courage to be themselves, it gives others permission to do the same. There are still people out there who worry about saying the wrong thing or showing their compassion-the “what will people think” folks. I’m glad you’re not one of them!
I have a Bingo-like line that seems to work, so I’ve used it often. I was the first person to ever shout “Free Bird!!!” at a concert by a band not named Lynyrd Skynyrd. Now everyone does it. No, I lie. But I do appreciate it when someone pulls that at a show.
What I have done, tho, on occasions where I’ve needed to give the host(ess) a name for a waiting list at an eatery, is give them a nom de plume. Not only does that protect my privacy, but it frequently evokes a chuckle from other diners when the maître d’ calls out “Donner. Donner, party of five!”
I’ve yet to try it at a vegan restaurant.
I’m so gonna use that!
That is so cool! We should do one of these where everyone tells a story of something “out there” that they have done that makes strangers smile. I usually hold the door for strangers. When they say thank you, I say “I’m practicing to be a Walmart greeter when I grow up.” That one has brought many a smiles over the years. 😀