Can You Hear Me?
I came across these two different things this week: one while doing research for a post I was going to write and the other while working on an assignment for a writing group I’m involved in. It seemed too much of a coincidence to overlook.
It occurs to me that if we are going to accept each other for who we really are, that there will have to be some understanding involved. Both of these pieces put understanding others before being understood. In the first piece, St. Francis is acknowledging his desire to be of service to others first and foremost, in the second, Stephen Covey is saying that effective people understand others before making themselves understood. In order to understand, we need to listen. Listening well isn’t always as easy as it seems.
If you’re not in the medical field and someone gave you a very technical medical journal, do you think that by reading it you would understand it? Maybe some of it, but probably not. In order to get its meaning, you’d have to ask a lot of questions. You’d have to open your mind and shift your frame of reference. You might even need a medical dictionary.
People are at least as complicated as a medical journal, but hearing what someone says and truly understanding what they mean often takes more work than we think. It takes real listening, asking questions, and learning the other person’s frame of reference for starters. Hearing someone doesn’t mean the same as listening to them and listening doesn’t guarantee you’ll understand.
If you read articles about listening skills, they’ll say things like make eye contact, don’t try to come up with a response while you’re listening, don’t interrupt, don’t answer your cell phone or respond to someone on Facebook in the middle of the conversation, ask questions when you’re not sure what they mean.
While all that is well and good, if you’re worrying about making eye contact and your body language or if you should answer your cell phone or not, you’re still too distracted. Tap into the love we each have for other human beings just because they’re human. Sit in that love and open your heart. As the other person tells their story, feel it. It’s like listening with your heart.
Don’t worry about what you’re going to say. Don’t worry about what you can do. The most important thing is that the other person feels understood. You can talk about what can be done, if anything, afterwards. After the understanding. After they feel heard and understood. Often, this is all that’s necessary. Having your feelings heard and being validated is a very powerful thing.
We’re not always looking for right or wrong. We don’t always need any action taken. Sometimes, all we need is someone to understand and acknowledge our right to feel how we feel.
And maybe a good hug.
Have you ever done this for someone or had someone do this for you? How did it feel? I’d love it if you would share your experience with us in the comments below.
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Being open and present with another person can be profound! When I’m listened to in that way, I often find myself hearing my own words as though someone else is speaking—and I end up rethinking my words. “Is that what I really mean and how I want to share it?” Sometimes for days and months later I’ll find myself meditating on the exchange. I’m always so grateful.
And when I’ve listened to others in that way… it’s so much more enjoyable and interesting than the usual automatic mode. I have so many questions for the speaker, such a desire for clarification and deeper understanding. And then sometimes I see that person also suddenly hearing themselves for the first time!
I had a really interesting experience not long ago. I often give tours to interested families for my daughter’s school. Education, of course, is rife with catch phrases and buzz words and pedagogy-de-jour. I remember one mom who kept saying that her kids weren’t feeling challenged at their current school, and I suddenly realized I had no idea what she meant by “challenged.” So I asked! She started talking about their old school, before they moved to Vermont, name-dropping and degree-dropping the faculty there. It didn’t really answer my question, so I kept asking about her kids and what a challenging curriculum would look like for them. Because I really wanted to know! And I saw it happen, I saw her have that moment of… “What DO I mean by ‘challenging’?” And then the deeper conversation started to happen, about what it means to be engaged, to be seen and heard, and what that has to do with learning.
She stayed to watch the morning circle. One student had brought in an interesting object. It looked like a black rock, and the student speculated that it might be obsidian, which would be incredible as there isn’t really any native obsidian in Vermont. The guest mom was standing next to me looking ready to burst at the seams. I could see she REALLY wanted to speak up! But she thought as a visitor she shouldn’t, and I said, “No, no! Please! If you have something to share, share it!” After a lot of humorous encouragement, she did. She was fairly certain that it was a lump of slag, (a by-product of iron ore processing) left over from the old forges that used to be around Lake Champlain in the 1800s. She knew this because her mom’s house across the lake is actually an old renovated/converted forge, and she’d learned a lot about the history of forges in the area, and about slag. Lots of the students, parents and teachers were delighted to hear what she had to say and fascinated, asking lots of questions.
And then in that moment, I could see the woman kind of losing respect for us and for the school, because she had had this information that we didn’t; she wrote us off as a little dumb! Like, “Where is your expert faculty who should know basic stuff like this?!” You know? But of course, at our school we’re always drawing from our community of parents and sharing and delighting in learning together. So for us, this was a pretty typical learning experience. But in her eyes, it lowered our status a notch.
The whole experience was fascinating to me and really opened my eyes to how radically different the school is sometimes. And it also reminded me why we love being there so much.
Annie, thank you for your insights into hearing and being heard! It is such an amazing experience to be heard and understood in that way and to be able to do it for someone else. I does feel like it
puts you in another realm. I feel sorry for the parent, I would love a school where learning isn’t confined to books, where we can mine the knowledge of anyone who happens by. It’s a shame that she didn’t understand the significance of the exchange that just took place before her.
Well, we shall see, right? Maybe she too will find herself thinking about the experience more, after the fact.
We shall see!
It’s also a shame that she didn’t see the importance of the students watching as the adults learned right along side of them. I believe it is good for children to see that we continue to learn throughout our lives. And, as adults, knowing that we don’t have all the answers opens us up to really listening. Because there might just be something to be learned.
I really enjoyed your post. It really made my day, I needed that today. I enjoyed talking to you today. You are a wonderful and kind person that I treasure very much. I thank GOD for bringing you in my life and being my friend.
Lynn, it was great talking to you too! I needed THAT! I miss seeing you every day-those were the good old days! I’m glad you’re enjoying the blog. I treasure our friendship and I’m so glad we at least get to see each other here! Love you!
Loving your posts! Thank you so much! Have a fantastic week!
Thanks Susan, you have a great week too!
Thanks for another insightful post Carol! Truly listening is a skill very few people seem to posess anymore. I include myself in that group, but your post made me think a lot about it. I used to be a better listener. With what’s going on in my life right now, I experience the other side of this SO often – in that people ask me about my medical condition and they almost always try to come up with a solution for me. I have shortened what my response is these days – just that I have several vestibular conditions that make me very dizzy most of the time, with bouts of vertigo thrown in for good measure. Some people get it, and some don’t and that’s ok. I’ve added some humor, thanks to my mother. She used to say, “I’m better than I was, but not as good as I had been before I got worse!” That about sums it up!
Keep up the good work, and I’m going to try to really listen, and hear, what others are saying – including the animals and nature in general.
BTW – I rode my bike by your house yesterday and saw a youngish person sitting in the grass in the backyard. It made me feel happy. Maybe she was even barefoot (channeling Mary Lou 🙂
Love,
Nancy
Nancy, If I were there, I’d just give you a hug! You seem to be dealing as well as anyone could, and I’m sorry so many people are so distracted these days that real listening has become the exception instead of the rule. I’m glad you can have a sense of humor about it. I’m so excited about the new family in our house (especially barefoot!)…I hope they find as much love as we did in that house! I’m even more thrilled that you were riding your bike. That’s awesome! Thanks for your kind and generous comments about the blog. I really appreciate it. Sending love and good vibes your way…
Good post Carol, all husbands need to read that and digest it for a better marriage.
Thanks, Jim. I think that if everyone took the time to listen well, we’d have a much happier world!