Lonely Days
An author friend posted a question on Facebook the other day. She asked, “What is your biggest issue or struggle with this pandemic?”
I thought about that for a while.
Outside of wearing a mask in public and making less frequent trips to town, my life during covid-19 hasn’t changed much.
I have a spreadsheet I track the numbers on every day for my state and the counties that family members live in, and for the states and towns my siblings live in.
I worry a bit more, well ok, a lot more. But it doesn’t overwhelm me.
I’m distrustful of politicians, but that’s nothing new.
Trying to find everything I need at the grocery store has been trying at times but really no big deal.
And then I thought of my friend David. We went to high school together.
We connected on Facebook a few years ago.
He was smart and kind and sweet back in high school and I was happy to see that he had a beautiful family and a good life.
When I found out he had passed away from the coronavirus, it broke my heart.
When I found out his wife and kids couldn’t be there with him, it broke all over again.
They had to be quarantined apart from each other in case any of them had contracted the virus so they didn’t even get to be with each other.
This is what I struggle with-the unfairness of this whole thing.
When a loved one goes into the hospital (or is in a nursing home) and you can’t physically be there to comfort them, to enjoy their company, to just be there for them.
Especially if they’re dying.
I can only imagine how lonely that feels.
~~~
I was lucky enough to be with my mother before she passed away. My siblings and I all took turns staying over at the hospital with her when she was in hospice.
One night, one of my sisters and I were staying the night. My mom’s pain meds kept her pretty well knocked out. We sat on either side of her bed and held her hands and talked quietly to her.
Later, we ordered a pizza for supper.
Then our other two sisters showed up with another pizza and some wine. We had a slumber party, the five of us. We reminisced, had a little wine, ate a little pizza.
It sounds kind of odd, but if my mom hadn’t been the one in the hospital, it would have been her idea.
It’s been such a comforting memory for me since she left us.
The same two years later with my dad. He was even in the same hospice room at the hospital as mom was.
We took turns spending the night with him. Holding his hand. Being there for him and for each other.
The love in the room both times was palpable. Thick and sweet.
~~~
The memories from this pandemic will be of pressing faces against window panes from outside.
Phone calls and face time.
No hugs.
No kisses.
No slumber parties.
No proper goodbyes.
~~~
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Lovely sentiment.
Thanks…❤️
Two things I am struck by – one pandemic, one philosophical:
Philosophically, why is ‘passed away’ used instead of ‘died’? To me, ‘passed away’ is like a mask, covering up – or put at arm’s length, beyond the pale, what actually has happened. But, for the experience that ‘she left us’? So much more the reality, the soul slipping out the window, into the arms of God.
Pandemic losses: Masses in person, receiving in substance the Holy Eucharist. In our diocese and following the state governor’s mandate, there are in person Masses. But still we two follow our own best practice of watching Mass on FB. Not quite the same, especially not having the physical presence of our church friends. One of us would go, but that is dependent on me as driver. I am willing to sit in the parking lot, but the other won’t do that. While few would look at me and say “Who is that 80 year old?”, it’s not age that keeps me away – even tho it’s one of the pandemic proscriptions – it’s my asthma diagnosis, and two hand surgeries in the last two weeks.
Some days ‘died’ just seems so harsh and final but I see your point. I love your description of “the soul slipping out the window, into the arms of God.” It’s so poetic and feels quite natural.
Even though most people say that death is a natural part of life, I don’t feel that way. I think that’s why people cling to life like they do. People were meant to live forever. There’s only death because of sin. I feel in my deepest core that death isn’t natural at all.
Totally understandable-the not going to Mass during the pandemic. If you have asthma, I agree it’s best to stay at home. I don’t go anywhere much because my husband had a bad case of the flu two years ago that put him in the hospital for a week. This virus can be fatal if you have lung issues.
I hope you’re healing well from your surgeries. I’ll keep you in my prayers! ❤️
Awe😭 that was a really good post. Felt the love and heartache in this one.
Thanks! ❤️
How touching Carol. I also felt deep sorrow when our classmate Dave passed on from Corona. Loss multiplied by the family’s inability to grieve together. This is the harshest reality for me, but I remember someone telling me that at the time of death, we are never alone, and that has always been a comfort to me.
Hope y’all are doing well. We had a scare with someone at Maren’s job testing covid positive, but she was negative. Take good care of yourself and your family ♥️
Nancy
To have that time for a proper goodbye, whether right at the end or sometime before, and to go through it together as a family is so important to me, I can hardly fathom what an extra burden it is for the family not to have that. It just makes me ache inside.
What a scare-I’m so glad that Maren is negative and I hope that worker is ok. We’re ok so far, we don’t get out much and we’re out in the middle of nowhere.
You and Ira take good care of each other and stay well! ❤️
Thanks Carol! You too. I asked Priscilla if she has any block party photos, so I’m trying to track some down for you.
Thanks so much! I would soooo love that! ❤️
Carol I can totally relate with your writing. I know some friends parents who have died from Covid and they could not be with them at all. Also, growing up as a morticians daughter, the idea of not being able to have a visitation, funeral or burial except with family in attendance is just horrible to me. I, too, am so grateful that we were all there the day my mama took her last breath. She brought us into this world and we saw her leave this world. It was a day of blessing and peace really. These folks who have lost their loved ones to the pandemic and other medical reasons and can’t even be with them is just awful. I am okay living alone. I have a very small core group of a few friends and family, who are all practicing safety and wearing masks that I do see from time to time. But loneliness does indeed creep in from time to time. Then I have to remember what my dear, sweet mama, always said. This is from a woman who lived in pain for 50 years with rheumatoid but never complained. She always said, no matter your circumstances, you can choose happiness or sadness. You can choose to live life or watch it pass you by. So on those days, that I get tired of all the political junk, the horrible news, the numbers, the loneliness, I quickly remember my mama’s voice and what she said. Then I see that red bird at my feeder and I know it is mama telling me, get your butt up, smile, find something to do, read, take a walk, listen to music, go smell your roses and just be as happy as possible. So I get up and get living and the loneliness disappears quickly. God bless those who have lost loved ones and friends during this pandemic. Sad. Thank you Carol. Love you girl.
Susan, this whole thing is sad, and it’s unfair, and it’s painful, and it’s lonely, and it’s taking its sweet time. But I love your mother’s advice. It’s my loss that I never got to meet her in person, but knowing you, I know I would have loved her!
This reminds me of The Desiderata. My sister had it posted on her side of the room, but I read it every day for a very long time. At the end it says, “With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.” I try to take that to heart. ❤️ Stay safe my friend!
Yes ma’am it is still a beautiful world, in spite of the ugliness right now. Love it. Stay safe as well my friend.
❤️ ❤️ ❤️ You too!